How many bees

Ben and I walked along the path of a massive and beautiful flower garden last summer.  I commented on how calm he was compared to how he may have reacted the summer before to a bee hopping from flower to flower.  He nodded.  He said he felt a bit sad about that.  Why, I asked. He told me that when he was younger he had an incredible ability to instantly zoom in on exactly how many bees were in a space.  It was powerful and scary and overwhelming to be so focused on one detail of a situation.

But also amazing, and he missed that.  He didn't miss the anxiety that came with the fears of being stung, but there is something about that ability to focus so exclusively and quickly on one aspect that he wanted to acknowledge.  He remarked that even though he felt his focal points had broadened to include an enjoyment of the flower garden, he recognized a loss as well; the intense and extreme levels of focus his mind could go to.  He felt like he had lost, and gained.
I personally, have never thought of his ability to stay calm in public and tolerate bees as anything but positive.

When he was young he used to say that numbers had colours associated with them. I will never forget this because the numbers that were attractive colours he could write in answer to math questions no problem, but the number 2 was such a vomity camouflage green that he hated to write it, refusing.  Everything had a "feeling", including knives and forks.  He would gravitate to random things for reasons we never understood, but he found comfort in them because he saw them in a way, hidden to us.  Holding a CD was way more comforting than a hug.  Words of praise meant nothing to him, but acknowledging success with instruction manuals or allowing him to take apart the DVD player really made him happy.

The constant sensory bombardment was exhausting and led to screaming and crying and hiding and hitting and kicking and throwing.  We are all glad those days are mostly gone; he is glad to learn impulse control and calming techniques that work for him, and we are learning to stop trying to convince him the things that help us stay calm will help him too.  Granted, taking deep breaths works for everybody, but counting to ten includes the number 2.  Just skip that number, we suggested to Ben, which caused a whole new stress-ball about how illogical and impossible that would be.  Finding stress relieving activities is an on-going process, but at least now he is more in the drivers seat and is getting to really know himself better.  Which only started happening when we stopped saying, "take a deep breath and count to 10."  And when we stopped singing our helpful jingle:  "Just take a deep breath and say it's okay."  - Only made him more upset, because it was a "lie" that things were okay!!  They were not okay!!!
Ok, Ok.
But they will be.