We had a playdate today with a five-year-old girl, Lily, who played with Kate, and a nine-year-old brother who played with Davis. While the two girls played post office, and grocery store in a tent in the living room of their home, the boys parallel played upstairs with lego or hung out in the back yard.  Overall it was a very pleasant afternoon.

After a couple of hours we stood by the door to say our good-byes, and thank-yous for a delicious lunch.
Kate's friend asked me if Justin was going to bite her.  She seemed genuinely worried.
"Who's Justin?"
"He's Kate's husband," she said.
"Pardon?"
Apparently, Kate is married to a boy named Justin that she met at the park two days ago.
He's 5.   And imaginary.  And he bites.
"He bites people he doesn't know.  He doesn't bite me, though," Kate added. "I think he would bite Lily because he doesn't know her yet."
Lily started to cry.
Her Mom and I asked Kate if she could ask Justin not to bite.
"I can't control my husband," Kate answered.
"Sounds like a real marriage," joked Lily's good-natured Dad who happened to walk by.
"He doesn't listen to me when I ask him to not bite.  He has Aspergers.  Even if I ask him five- hundred times, he doesn't learn it.  He'll still bite people he's never met before."
"Sounds like he needs to learn some social skills," I said, a bit surprised, trying to be funny.  Lily's Mom and I raised our eyebrows and looked over at each other, sort of laughing.
I took Kate aside into the kitchen, probably making things worse by trying to convince her to tell Lily that Justin wouldn't bite her, as now Lily was burying her head under her brother's arm and quite upset.
Kate was adamant.  Justin would bite anyone who was a stranger to him, and she wasn't going to lie to Lily.
I tried to be encouraging and turn this imaginary husband scenario into a teaching moment, by telling her that everybody can learn not to bite, and it's totally doeable with help.  Kate didn't look convinced, which kind of bothered me.
We walked back toward the door while Lily's Mom assured her she wouldn't let anyone bite her, while trying to keep it light and friendly.  Lily has developmental delays and really believed that a boy named Justin was going to bite her.  Saying he was a pretend friend as a game, or down-playing it by moving to another topic seemed to backfire with both girls. 
Lily's Mom joked that maybe Kate should have married a different guy, and Kate's voice rose, insistent that she wouldn't!  Thoughts of  future arguments over suitable boyfriends flashed through my mind.
Davis stood by the door, and as I turned to get my shoes, he slapped Kate's cheek, not hard, but hard enough.  She screamed.  He just stood with his arms straight at his side, staring at her, sure he was justified "because she had married a jerk!" he concluded.
I separated them, watching Kate's cheek turn instantly pink. 
I praised her for handling that situation well by moving away from Davis and not hitting back.  I've learned from experience how futile it can be to hash things out in the moment with a kid with Aspergers, we would discuss it later.
We reached the car.  I said, no more talking about Justin, until we could do it calmly.  Davis stormed ahead yelling he wanted to meet this Justin guy and he couldn't believe she had married a jerk who bites!
"He's not a jerk," she yelled back, "he has Aspergers!"
Crazy ironic.
"It is time to sit quietly for the next 10 minutes", I said, reminding myself to breathe.
"His eyes are telling me he is so mad", Kate said.
"I'm not talking", Davis growled through clenched teeth.
"His eyes are talking", Kate replied.
Davis gripped his seatbelt as if it was the only thing keeping him from lunging at her.
He stared harder.
We were all quiet, until Kate whispered, "I fibbed".
"You fibbed?"
"I fibbed about Justing biting.  I taught him to do that, to protect me.  I taught him to bite to protect me from my brothers when they get mad.  He wouldn't bite my friends.  I'll tell Lily that."



Aside:  On the way to the car I calmly talked at him, being clear to everyone else how inappropriate it is to hit, especially in the face, for sure when we are feeling mad... he was too irritated to hear a word I said. Rather than insisting on apology right then I tried some deep breathing of my own and attention to Kate; we would discuss it later when he was calmer; he would apologize and acknowledge to Kate that he had made the wrong choice, and do something nice for her.   I was mostly saying it to validate my distaste for his actions to myself and Kate, and my efforts at teaching appropriate emotional regulation and impulse control at the apex of his frustration and inflexible thinking, felt deja-vu non-effective. There would also be time later to accknowledge his feelings of protectiveness, loyalty and caring for his younger sister, and that there are better ways to show it.